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The further you enter into truth the deeper it is....

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to get out
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September 11th, 2009

So I was being stupid and dating someone from online again. Yes, don't tell me a fucking stupid move I know. Things were going really well or so I thought. Kharma is a bitch and I deserve everything I got, except there were legitimate reasons Chris and I feel apart. There were no logical reasons for this. To top it all off my ex husband is making a huge celebration of his wife's birthday. The only reason this hurts me is because this is my 3rd bday in a yr without a man. It also hurts b/c I never once was important enough to him to make my birthday into a celebration. But hey hitting walls makes life somewhat better. Pretty much fuck life, and all assosiated with it. Most of all fuck ever needing anyone because all the do is hurt you and betray you in whatever way they can.

April 27th, 2009

(no subject)

to get out
Lack of good ac at works makes me a grouchy bug.

So another thing that makes me a grouchy bug is I took the camera in to get the pics developed and the only pics that came out were from the circus. NONE at all from my daughters bday party. :(

I really wanted a pic from her bday party.

Chris was more wonderful this weekend than I deserved. I mean he really stepped up and helped out. He did so much more for me than anyone has since Jesse just decided it was time to take the baby and Lena to the Ukraine to see her family. Bleh, don't get me started on how unfair all that scene is. My kids have really been oddly a handful since Jesse left. I am sure it has to do with him just leaving on them without much notice. And I got the tailend of it.

Elisha has this project due in Science, I helped her with it, but of course since her aunt was there when I helped it didn't matter in the least that I was there. Pretty much I am a useless cow when Jesse or any of his family is around. Pretty much it is starting to get that way no matter whom is around. I think she is going to decide to leave with him in a few years and if that is the case I think I will plan on moving back to Nashille or at the least Cookeville. I am only in this damn town because it is where she wants to be. It is working out the best for me too. As I finally get experience in the related field I need experience in. So that is a plus.

Anyway, this post was not meant to be the way it appears, it was meant to be a praise to Chris for being so wonderful and helpful when I needed him alot. Just kinda didn't turn out that way.

March 5th, 2009

A last fire will rise behind those eyes
Black house will rock, blind boys don't lie
Immortal fear, that voice so clear
Through broken walls, that scream I hear

Cry, little sister - (Thou shall not fall)
Come, come to your brother - (Thou shall not die)
Unchain me, sister - (Thou shall not fear)
Love is with your brother - (Thou shall not kill)

Blue masquerade, strangers look on
When will they learn this loneliness?
Temptation heat beats like a drum
Deep in your veins, I will not lie

Little sister - (Thou shall not fall)
Come, come to your brother - (Thou shall not die)
Unchain me, sister - (Thou shall not fear)
Love is with your brother - (Thou shall not kill)

My Shangri-Las
I can't forget
Why you were mine
I need you now

Cry, little sister - (Thou shall not fall)
Come, come to your brother - (Thou shall not die)
Unchain me, sister - (Thou shall not fear)
Love is with your brother - (Thou shall not kill)

Cryyyy, little sister - (Thou shall not fall)
Come, come to your brother - (Thou shall not die)
Unchain me, sister - (Thou shall not fear)
Love is with your brother - (Thou shall not kill)

Cry, cryyyyyy little sister - (Thou shall fall)
Come, come to your brother - (Thou shall not die)
Unchain me, sister - (Thou shall not fear)
Love is with your brother - (Thou shall not kill)

Thou shall not fall
Thou shall not die
Thou shall not fear
Thou shall not kill x2

My dream

to get out
I normally post my dreams on myspace, but as I am at work I can not do that.

It started out at a school, there was about 25 adults and one coloring book was being passed around the class. The adults were supposed to take the first picture rip it out and then pass the book around. I was about the 15th student in the class. I did not take the picture that I was supposed to take, I took the picture of the horse. Then the colors were passed around the room. Same with the colors you took what was given to you, and you could switch it up to 5 times. I switched mine alot more than 5 times. The people demonstarting this project wrote in notebooks all the actions of the students in the class. I was the only student that got the comment, "possible misbehavior will be brought about by this one." I do not really know how I could see the words they wrote down, it was kinda like one of those scenes in the movies where the audience can see the words but not the actors, and yet I was both. Anyway. The next scene, the directors of the project had taken it a step further. Everone was naked, however the women were fully naked and the men were only partially naked. There were rules posted everywhere.

If a man wants the woman he takes her, if she refuses he kills her.
If a man wants to force the woman to do anything at all, she will please his every whim.
Women will follow all commands given to them at all time.
Women will not speak to anyone.

The men were allowed to take classes to get smarted then women were made to slowly get stupid. The men were allowed to talk to each other to an extent. As long as it was not about the directors or in oppostion of the project. The project was to see how long it truly would take for all humans to be subserviant to one diety or entity. Most woman had been killed b/c they would not follow these rules, the goal was to make the woman like robots and the men not much further away from that. I was the only woman that I knew off that still had a mind, I obeyed every order I was given, but I was not a robot. I did it out of I was going to live my way through this and change it.

When someone would act up they were immediatly punished, it took along time for most of the women to make it to where they were just punished and not put to death. Eventually all women obeyed. I still did not do such a great job at that. Finally, an odd man, came to me. It was his job to punish me and he was new. He hooked me up to the first machine, it had nails that went through four areas of your skin. Either I was too numb to notice the pain or pain just did not effect me anymore. I did not flinch, move, scream, or anything when he pierced me with the nails. He just stood there, apparently he figured this machine would be the worst of the tortures he would have to put me through. He took me to the back room, he looked at me.
"I have never had anyone not be in pain. What is wrong with you?"
I actually answered him, and he was in total shock b/c even when asked a question a woman was not allowed to answer.
"Pain is only in the mind. Control is only in the mind, everything you are doing you are doing out of habit. It needs to be changed."
He did not know what to do, so he raped me, went to the bathroom over my face, and slapped me.
" I am supposed to be degraded now, I know this, it is what your director teaches you. However, I am merely bored by the fact you have no mind to think with of your own."
He could not believe it. It was he and I alone. I went and turned the water on, washed my face and my body. Laughing mildly at his stupidity. "I only do this b/c one day all of this will change, so therefore I put up with the directors until I can think of a valid plan to get out of this."
he stood there, I suppose he did not know that women even had voices.
"What do you mean, I don't have a mind."
I continued to tell him, I shared stuff from history, movies, everthing that he had not been able to experience. For him this was the way life had always been, deal with it. He must have been born into this life when the changes first started happening. BY the time he had came across me women had finally became robot like and men not much better. The directors were likely pleased that their experiment had turned out so well.

Throughout the dream, it slowly got less vivid. I slowly became like Billy Jean in the movie Legend of Billy Jean. I had something I stood for and something I was fighting for. If you have never seen that movie you really should check it out.

Finally, after I don't know how long we were able to leave the naked camp. I came across a female that actually talked, she was not as robotlike as the others, and she and I had somewhat of a friendship. I finally stepped too far over the line, I do not remember what I did. But it was so much that the directors saw and wanted me killed. She hide me in her closet behind her very long very thick robe. Every night and every morning I was hidden from the daily and nightly checks. The searching got more and more tedious until people actually slowed down in their acting like robots because things were just off to them. The gaurds never acted this way, people were never pusnished for such little offenses as now, and this started what all good revolutions need. Anger. The lady and I kept talking when the guards were not around. She learned from me and slowly brought in more and more people that she trusted. I told them of things and how life was before the project.

Finally, it all erupted by a male seeing me and knowing who I was. He felt a human emotion, greed, and came for me. He wanted all the glory for finding me. I killed him. That was the straw that broke the camels back. There was blood everywhere. The guard that had first had trouble from me, the one that found out women could talk was there. Yet, he was on my side. He had been forced to do things to people that went abve his teaching of normal. He did not like it. The female and him, were the main two that stayed with me.

I don't know how we finally took the director down, but we did. We somehow destroyed what he had created, to a degree. See the people had been robots for too long that they had mostly forgotten how to be human. I had waited too long in my attempt to save everyone that I might have done them more danger than good.

I woke up surprised that I had had such an interesting dream. I mean it was very very cool.

March 3rd, 2009


to get out
We did an intake today, my boss is very excited as she is much smarter than I realized. I can't get too deep into as I don't exactly know what would and what would not breach that whole confidentiality rule. However, I can say this, I get back to the office after listening to my boss talk about everything she knows. I feel so stupid, undereducated, did I mention stupid. I feel like my life has no purpose, no calling, like I am a waste of space and earth. I don't want nor ask for your sympathy, I just pretty much think I am a pethtic piece of crap and don't actually see how I can or will ever add up to anything more than average, if even that. I look at people I have come across since I got out of school and all of them seem so much more intelligent then I could even dream of being. Even the ones that have not had my schooling, are more intelligent then me. Why would anyone even want to know me, talk to me, look at me. I swear I really believe it now more than ever if I did not have two beautiful and amazing kids that can actually come to something, much more than me, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Kinda think that should disqualify me alone for being a couselor, as I wish I were dead. Seems kinda stupid to me, and it is no wonder that they did not want to promote me, even if there were not such a rule as must have 6 months experience and a degree in the subject they still would not want me, as I am useless and take up too much damn space on this earth.

February 19th, 2009


to get out
I am starting the last book tonight, when I get home from work. Well, I will actually log in WOW since it has been a week since I last played. I will also spend all day Saturday lounging on my game, since I still have some goals to reach in my game. Ok, all that being said, I am really enjoying the Twilight books. I have read basically 3 in 2 weeks. I guess it has been 2 weeks. I started the first one on the Friday that he that will not be named (we will call him my Edward). And that was on Feb 7th I believe.
Anyway, the point being, I am flying through these books, and considering how sick I have been it is pretty amazing I am reading them this fast.

So I took this test on myspace for a friend of mine. I scored Bella at the time, and at the time I would not have thought that to be a logical answer, but now that I am starting the 4th book, I would say it is a very logical answer. For one she is torn between her Vampire- Edward, and her werewolf-Jacob. I almost typed my werewolfs name there, haha. Anyway, if you have ever bothered to read anything I have ever written and bothered to read those books you would also see me in her character.

I have been sick for about 3 weeks now. I finally found out the cause of my sickness was kidney stones. I think I passed the first one, and I think the other one is coming sometime soon. I went to a cl's home on Monday and got a nasty allergy attack, but that is going away slowly I believe.

Anyway, I just needed to share this info somewhere, and as this is the only postable site I can get to I shared it on here.

January 26th, 2009

A blog

to get out
SO it has been forever since I wrote since most of the people on here do not like me anymore b/c most people likely see things one sided. That is fine as it is their right too. As most on here already know I am no longer engaged, and I am guessing it has been as long as I have not been engaged as to when the last time I wrote was. I am not sure. I like to think we are still friends, but sometimes this line is also flooded with grey. I don't do grey well, and I don't really know if he does or not.

I have got a job back in Nov and the guy that I worked for called me today. It was so sad and also so nice. He misses me, but the thing is I have to be EXTREMLY careful because he does not really understand boundaries and I have alot of those. I told him I would try to call him and try to come see him next week on my lunch break. I feel sorry for him because all he needs is a friend and I really should step-up and take on that role. However, do to him telling the other co-worker at the time that he had a crush on me I don't really know how much stepping I should do because I don't even want him to think I like him in the light he likes me.

My dumb stupid ass is still pinning over Dale....DAMN ME!

My new jub, started it on Dec 15th is going nicely. I have been here a month already and it goes by so quickly. I had an interview today to step-up in the company, but that is going to be awhile in the making because there is some red tape I have to climb through first.

I learned alot about myself these last few years since Jesse, my ex husband has been gone and it is all stuff that is for the best that I learned but at the same time hard and challenging to deal with. :(

Maybe some one out there reading this does not hate me.
Happy Chinese New Year! The Year of the Ox starts today. What is your Chinese zodiac animal? Do you think you fit the description of the sign?

My animal is the SNAKE

Occupying the 6th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Snake symbolizes such character traits as intelligence, gracefulness and materialism. When it comes to decision-making, Snakes are extremely analytical and as a result, they don’t jump into situations. They are effective at getting the things they want, even if it means they have to scheme and plot along the way. ( Mostly yes, but I do jump into situations involving sexual matters.)

Snakes are very materialistic creatures, preferring to surround themselves with the finest that life has to offer. This is especially evident in the home, where luxurious furnishings and surroundings help Snakes seek the peace they need in order to thrive. (If I had the resources this would be a definite YES, however I don't like using someone else's money I prefer it to be my own or it is not worth it.)

Snakes prefer living a life of calmness, preferring quietness over noise and a manageable workload rather than a schedule that’s overly-booked. Snakes become easily stressed when their lives aren’t peaceful or in order. Too much of this way of life can shorten a snake’s life! (YES!!!, this is me)

Snakes do work very hard, but they have a tendency to be job-hoppers as they become easily bored. Their somewhat laid-back attitude causes them to be mistakenly categorized as slackers, but nothing could be further from the truth! Snakes are very creative and extremely diligent. They’re excellent problem-solvers and thrive under tight deadlines. Good career choices for Snakes include: scientist, analyst, investigator, painter, potter, jeweler, astrologer, magician, dietician, and sociologist. (I do become bored easily, in jobs and relationships. I agree mainly with this)

Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others. However, they’ll be the ones to decide when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Once they’ve chosen a partner, a Snake’s insecure side will begin to show through. Snakes guards their chosen partners much like a prized possessions, becoming jealous and even obsessive. Snakes prefer to keep their feelings to themselves. It’s important to never betray a Snake’s trust as a betrayed snake will make it a goal to get even some day!
(YES!!!! Sadly this is me)

Fire Snake – Years 1917 and 1977
Fire Snakes are more extroverted, forever offering opinions and telling others what’s on their minds. Even so, others enjoy listening to Fire Snakes. They’re very persuasive and are especially good at convincing others that their ways are best. (Mostly true)

Overall I would have to say I fit the description of the SNAKE!!!

August 25th, 2008

drama in the Jesse sage

to get out
So Elisha (as always) it is Elisha....brings up that her dad is talking bad about me and his mom. Why mom, does he do this, why and so my mind says well lets write him an email and ask. So I did. This time I wrote Jesse and the little woman an email. He calls me back trying to justify himself and she emails me back chewing me out. Drama, as I don't have enough of it. So as she is chewing me out she asks more questions in her email, which I answered. I listened to Jesse's bull and just whatever. You know what people, I messed up ok....If there is some list of Tanya sucks, then just go right ahead and put me on it. Because guess what I am human and sometimes (well with me) alot of times I do something stupid. So I will wait and get myself a place for me and my kids as soon as I can. I am sorry but it would not have been right for me to marry Chris when I was not ready, and yes I messed everyones lives up, and guess what it will be much easier for him to recoperate from this mistake than it will for me. He will be ok alot quicker than I will, and I understand that. OK....I fucked everything and everyone up....just get off my ass.....I won't give up and I won't stop trying, and people can just keep pushing me until they can't push anymore and they can say whatever they wantto about me, but somehow I will overcome this and I will be ok. It will just take longer than I thought and much longer than I wanted. I wanted my life to be a certain way by the time I was 30 but it is not and I am ready to work on fixing that. But just lay off me.

August 11th, 2008


to get out
So I'm still waiting on the blockbuster paperwork....apparently my store is having a huge issue with this and in theory I still get to start on Friday and I even got my shirts.

I also bought my first piece of furniture for the new apartment that I don't have yet. Actually, by bought I mean placed on lay-a-way. I bought a cute white framed day-bed. It will serve as both a couch and my bed. I am only going to be able to afford a 2 bedroom place when I leave Susan's so I thought since I have to sleep in the living room I would need something that was very multi-purpose. Then I recalled seeing a day-bed in my dad's living room at one point and how it actually looked rather good in there. So what I plan on now is getting a chair and perhaps a small table that will match the day-bed. Since the frame is white that means pretty much anything will match it. I have 60 days to pay it off and that won't be too hard. It cost 230 dollars...I think that is a good price for a piece of furniture that will serve two purposes.
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